One common tension point in marriage is the feeling, “My spouse is draining the emotional life out of me.” This sense of being depleted by your mate is particularly strong when they are going through a period of depression. With little life or energy to spare, the depressed mate focuses all their remaining attention on themselves. The result is the other spouse must work 24/7 to prop up their husband or wife and gets little, if any, emotional support from the marriage.

How can you stop this feeling of being emptied by your spouse?

First, you must realize that while you can support your depressed spouse, you cannot save them from their depression. The roots of depression often go deep back into their childhood. Other times they are based on hormonal or chemical imbalances that are immune to our supportive talk or caring gestures. Occasionally, depression is caused by your mate’s spiritual bitterness toward people in the past or beyond your current circle of influence. Whatever the case, don’t take it on yourself to personally carry your spouse out of depression. It’s virtually impossible and will empty you in the process.

Second, remember that pleasing God and not your spouse is your first priority in life. Thankfully, God’s grace, support and presence are available to us each and every day. We don’t have to try and change His mood or get Him to cheer up to experience His intimacy or joy. Nor do we have to walk on egg-shells or act artificially happy to find new strength and refreshment at the well of His salvation each day. The Psalmist David rejoiced how God filled Him each and every day, “My cup runs over…” If your focus is on renewing your relationship with God each day, rather than trying to prop up your depressed spouse, you’ll find strength and grace to face each day.

Finally, keep in mind that Jesus, not you, is the ultimate answer to your spouse’s depression. Not all depression is spiritual in nature, but even that which is rooted in emotional loss or trauma can be touched by the healing hand of Christ. “He restores my soul…” David wrote in the 23^rd Psalm. Depression often has its roots in events your spouse experienced years ago. Lead your mate in a simple prayer and have them ask Jesus a simple question, “Where were you when this happened to me?” “Do you care about my pain? Would you speak peace and healing to my heart right now?” Often, a spouse will discover the reality of the wonderful promises of Scripture in such a moment, “I will never leave you nor forsake you…” Realizing Jesus has always been present and caring for them, even during their darkest pain, may lead to an emotional breakthrough.

We were meant to fill each other’s hearts in marriage, not drain one another. By not trying to rescue our partner but seeking to please God each day, and by encouraging our spouse to bring their pain to Jesus in prayer, we can see dramatic changes take place — both in us and our spouse.

One of the most frequent questions I’m asked about marriage is, “When is it time to give up?”

The person asking me will often go on to say, “I’ve been trying for years to hold on to this marriage. I’ve prayed and hoped and worked but nothing has changed. When is enough, enough?”

There’s always a great deal of pain, frustration, and hopelessness behind such a question. Let’s face it. Some difficult spouses simply don’t feel the need to change or care enough to change. That usually leaves the other person carrying the whole freight for the marriage.

In some religious traditions there is a patron saint for lost causes. Well, I don’t embrace the idea of saints in that sense of the word, but I do like the idea of being a person who holds on and keeps believing when everyone else says to call it quits. This is particularly true in marriage. Why? God designed and wills the relationship to last a lifetime. Jesus said, “What God has joined together, let not man separate.”

So how do discouraged and worn-out spouses continue to believe and work on their marriage when it seems a lost cause?

First, as Emerson Eggerich points out, if you are a wife you should continue express and demonstrate respect for your husband. You may be hard pressed to find anything to respect about him at the moment, but remember, your husband is made in the image of God (Genesis 1-2). You can always respect that.

If you are a husband, continue to express and demonstrate love for your wife. She, too, is made in the image of God. A continual barrage of well-aimed respectful or loving gestures can wear down even the most hardened heart.

Second, be patient. God’s timetable and our timetable in life for change seldom match. Furthermore, God is at work in your spouse’s life even if you can see no evidence of it. Jesus said in the Gospel of John, “I am working and my Father is working.” If God makes you wait to see change, it’s likely because He’s also at work changing you. He’s teaching you the infinitely precious character traits of faith and hope.

Finally, as Gary Chapman suggests, ask your hopeless spouse the most difficult question you may ever utter, “Sweetheart, what are two things I can change in my life that would make me an easier person to live with?”

Chances are they will have two suggestions where you can start right then and there. In humility, thank them for their help then go to work on those two areas. Your willingness to examine your own life and change will eventually get to them. They may even ask you the same question some day.

And that will be the day you will be glad you never gave up.