One of the most frequent questions I’m asked about marriage is, “When is it time to give up?”

The person asking me will often go on to say, “I’ve been trying for years to hold on to this marriage. I’ve prayed and hoped and worked but nothing has changed. When is enough, enough?”

There’s always a great deal of pain, frustration, and hopelessness behind such a question. Let’s face it. Some difficult spouses simply don’t feel the need to change or care enough to change. That usually leaves the other person carrying the whole freight for the marriage.

In some religious traditions there is a patron saint for lost causes. Well, I don’t embrace the idea of saints in that sense of the word, but I do like the idea of being a person who holds on and keeps believing when everyone else says to call it quits. This is particularly true in marriage. Why? God designed and wills the relationship to last a lifetime. Jesus said, “What God has joined together, let not man separate.”

So how do discouraged and worn-out spouses continue to believe and work on their marriage when it seems a lost cause?

First, as Emerson Eggerich points out, if you are a wife you should continue express and demonstrate respect for your husband. You may be hard pressed to find anything to respect about him at the moment, but remember, your husband is made in the image of God (Genesis 1-2). You can always respect that.

If you are a husband, continue to express and demonstrate love for your wife. She, too, is made in the image of God. A continual barrage of well-aimed respectful or loving gestures can wear down even the most hardened heart.

Second, be patient. God’s timetable and our timetable in life for change seldom match. Furthermore, God is at work in your spouse’s life even if you can see no evidence of it. Jesus said in the Gospel of John, “I am working and my Father is working.” If God makes you wait to see change, it’s likely because He’s also at work changing you. He’s teaching you the infinitely precious character traits of faith and hope.

Finally, as Gary Chapman suggests, ask your hopeless spouse the most difficult question you may ever utter, “Sweetheart, what are two things I can change in my life that would make me an easier person to live with?”

Chances are they will have two suggestions where you can start right then and there. In humility, thank them for their help then go to work on those two areas. Your willingness to examine your own life and change will eventually get to them. They may even ask you the same question some day.

And that will be the day you will be glad you never gave up.