I’m not saying you’re always the nagger, just that you sometimes fall into a pattern of wrongly insisting that your spouse immediately obey your stated will. You’ve been inconsiderate and presumptuous. You’ve failed to appreciate that your spouse may want to fulfill your desires, but has valid reasons not to respond at that moment.

Nagging is, at its root, profoundly disrespectful. A nagger acts like a parent, insulting a partner’s intelligence (or at least his “hearing”) and policing his behavior, making sure he minds. A nagger also indulges in an unhealthy attitude of entitlement. You assume your spouse has no say in when or how high he or she should jump when you issue the command.

If you’re the nagger, try some of these strategies.

• Acknowledge any arrogance or insensitivity that has colored your approach to your spouse.
• Reject the expectation that your spouse will always fulfill your desires immediately. Use your imagination to think of legitimate reasons why your spouse may be unable to respond to your request right now. Give your heart a spiritual adjustment, remembering Jesus’ intent “not to be served, but to serve.”
• Value your spouse’s input. Maybe your spouse has valid reasons for not acting on your “suggestions.” Be open to seeing things from his or her perspective because “two are better than one” in the long run.
• Stop repeating yourself. Learn to state your needs, and practice receiving your spouse’s response graciously—even if the response doesn’t fully address what you asked for.
• Put your needs in God’s hands. If your spouse’s first response is disappointing, pray about it. Give God time to work in your spouse’s life apart from your nagging. Make it a matter of faith.

If You’re the Naggee

It’s easier to admit being the naggee, but that doesn’t let you off the hook. If you’re on the receiving end of the nagging, you may have developed a pattern of avoidance. You might find it easier to withdraw from the conversation, or to ignore your spouse, than to establish true adult-to-adult respect. But by not acknowledging your spouse’s request, you’re minimizing it. You’re sending this message: “I don’t respect you enough to address your need or to give you honest and sincere answers.”

Many naggees, oddly enough, endure nagging for years without openly challenging it. Why? As long as it goes on, they can blame the nagger. They can hang onto the resentment they feel when their spouses go ahead and make decisions without them. Have you allowed the nagging to go on without doing anything to solve the problem?

If you are a naggee, you can stop the destructive teeter-tottering.

• Examine yourself for any fear or reluctance to engage in legitimate confrontation with your spouse. Do you avoid forging solutions so you can escape the tensions that might arise?
• Search your own attitudes for hidden anger or bitterness. Do you lash back inside even though you don’t do so verbally?
• If you find you are angry or resentful of your spouse’s nagging, pray for the courage and poise to express your anger lovingly and truthfully. Be specific about which of your spouse’s words and actions created your negative feelings.