Written by Erin Prater

Hedges. You probably don’t spend much time thinking about them. Bills? Yes. Work? Yes. The kids? Yes. But not hedges. What comes to mind when you think of one, anyway? A hedge fund? A hedgehog? An oddly-shaped row of bushes awkwardly leveled-off at the top, prickly and just about as appealing as a bad haircut?

While a hedge might not be what your property needs, it is what your marriage needs. When we talk about building a hedge in your marriage, we’re actually talking about constructing a mutually protective investment that will allow your marriage to flourish like never before.

What Is a Hedge?

Merriam-Webster provides numerous definitions for “hedge.” About half do a perfect job of defining a hedge’s role in marriage. The other half make great antonyms. Let’s take a look at them.

Definitions

any barrier or boundary
Here we learn that the word “hedge” can really be used to define an ugly, green yard trimming; Fido’s invisible electric fence; or a marriage-protecting set of boundaries agreed upon by a husband or wife.

to … restrict; to prevent or hinder free movement; to obstruct
Not the most fun or pleasant of definitions, is it? You might think, If building marital hedges gives my wife ammo to whine about me shooting pool with the boys on Friday night, I want nothing to do with it. Though banishing pool night is not a definition, limiting yourself out of love, or compromising, can actually be extremely freeing and mutually satisfying. More on this later.

a row of bushes or small trees planted close together, esp. when forming a fence or boundary …
So evidently ugly, evergreen-like bushes aren’t the only options for forming a physical hedge! Of actual importance: Constructing a hedge entails planting multiple, protective shrubs of choice close together. If each action taken by you, your spouse or the two of you represents a shrub, planting a few scattered ones once in a blue moon don’t form much of a protective barrier. You’ll keep legally blind squirrels out, but not much else.

to protect with qualifications that allow for unstated contingencies or for withdrawal from commitment
This definition reminds me of a recent commercial: A husband answers the door and is greeted by a host of new appliances and a delivery man asking for his John Hancock. Bewildered, he looks back at his wife, eyes beseeching her for an answer. She smugly produces a small tape recorder and presses play. The man hears his own voice saying, “Honey, you can do anything you want if I get new golf clubs.”

This definition is actually used in the financial and corporate worlds. But a marital hedge isn’t meant for selfish manipulation. Though defined by mutually agreed upon, steadfast boundaries, it flourishes in mercy and wilts in legalism. Building a hedge around your marriage will help protect you from the painful attacks Satan throws your way, but you’ll still be subject to the loving tests and disciplines of a caring God. It’s not a cure-all, and in no way gives you permission to back out of your “I Dos.”

the act or means of preventing complete loss of a bet, an argument, an investment, or the like
This may be the most telling of all definitions. Boundaries in marriage, tempered with grace and forgiveness, prevent the loss of the second greatest investment you’ll ever make: marriage. The first? Surrendering your life to Christ.

To make hedge-building worth your work, you must first view your marriage as a precious, valuable investment. Does your marriage seem like a bet, tentative at best? Or does it seem like an argument, a constant, perpetual argument? Pray for eyes to see your marriage for what it really is: a sacred promise, a safe hiding place, a vehicle for personal and mutual growth and a gorgeous allegory for Christ and His bride.

Do You Need a Hedge?

Here are a few simple indicators that your marriage may require hedging:

• You or your spouse has had an extramarital affair
• You and your spouse don’t attend church regularly
• You and your spouse don’t eat dinner together
• You or your spouse work full time
• You or your spouse are Caucasian, African American, Native American, Hispanic, Asian or any other race
• You or your spouse watch too much TV
• You, and/or your spouse, are human

You may be newlyweds, parents to elementary-aged children or celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary. You may have a large wedding ring and spend lots of time together. You may consider yours a “strong, Christian marriage.” Regardless, your marriage needs hedging!

Why? No one is immune to temptation–not married folks, not Christians, not even Jesus! (See Matthew 4.) Think about it. Do you truly expect your house to be robbed or to burn down when you install a security system and sprinklers? Do you truly expect to have an auto accident when you purchase car insurance? You make these investments because you want to protect a valuable asset.

Resolve to Hedge

Your marriage has cost you both a lot: money, “freedom,” half the bed and a partial timeshare of the TV remote. But whether you realize it now or not, you’ve reaped more benefits than you’ve sown. Come to the conclusion that your marriage is valuable, that it needs hedging and that you’re doing both of you a favor by building and maintaining that hedge. Realize that your attempts to build a strong, God-honoring marriage are pleasing to Him. He will bless you for it!

Draw Your Lines and Stay Far Away from Them

Remember life before marriage? If you were raised in a typical church setting, it’s likely that a youth pastor encouraged you to set and maintain your sexual boundaries. You knew premarital sex was wrong, but some of you might have gotten just as close to the line as you could without crossing it. Sometimes it’s easy to want to push boundary lines in marriage, too. Obviously, having a sex outside of marriage is wrong. Even activities we might have allowed before marriage, such as kissing and cuddling, are clearly wrong when done outside of marriage. But have you deemed some areas, such as emotional affairs, gambling or porn, “grey” and let them slide? Remember, the goal is not to settle for the “thou shalt nots.” Clearly state and agree on the obvious “no-nos,” then move on to areas society might consider fuzzy, such as spending time with the opposite sex or reading romance novels. Pray for hearts that desire to honor God and your spouse. Protect your marriage from outside, inside, even “minor” threats.

Become Accountability Partners

The need for accountability doesn’t end with marriage, rather, it greatens! During your single years your actions probably only affected you. Now, you have two (or more, if you have children) lives affected by your every action. Though additional accountability partners of the same sex can be blessings, your spouse should be your primary. This time, you may find it even harder to be honest. Your spouse has a vested interest in your shortcomings. You may fear hurting him or being knocked off a pedestal if you confess even something as small as a temptation.

They key? The only One who can safely be placed on a pedestal is God. View your spouse as a fellow sinner seated across the kitchen table. Neither of you is immune to temptation. Both of you are sinners sorely in need of grace and mercy from God — and from each other. Don’t use this as an excuse to push boundaries; rather, use it as permission to be honest with each other and love each other extravagantly. If your honesty, or that of your spouse, is hard to swallow, run to God together. You’ll be amazed at how He’ll build intimacy in your marriage and cause your hedge to flourish.

Respect Your Hedge Individually; Build It Corporately

There will be decisions you’ll make on your own that fortify your marriage, such as passing up that lotto ticket or closing out of that porn pop-up window. But, as with everything, two hands (or four, rather) are better than … well, one set. Share your temptations, victories and failures with each other while sharing your favorite snack or meal. Pray and cry together. Forgive and forget. Make time each week for a few transparent, vulnerable minutes for the two of you. Have regular date nights.

If your spouse is unwilling to build a marital hedge with you, know that any hedge you attempt to build yourself will be blessed by God. Tell your spouse about your desire to protect your marriage, the steps you’re taking to do so and your shortcomings. Most of all, keep praying. Because your marriage is a portrait of His relationship with His church, you can be sure God desires it to be a beautiful one.

What Will You Gain?

When I was a kid, I hated brushing my teeth. I had to be forced into it. Let’s just say this: It’s a good thing your first set of teeth are naturally replaceable.

These days, I love dental hygiene. I clip coupons for the latest toothpaste flavors. I floss regularly, and am carefully researching water picks before I “take the plunge.” And when the timer goes off on my spinning toothbrush, I’m still brushing. Time flies when you’re having fun!

I guess a love for dental hygiene (like coffee, sushi and many other things in life) is an acquired taste. Maybe I was burned (or numbed) one too many times by cavity fillings. Maybe the freedom to do whatever I wanted, including eating mounds of Twinkies and going to bed without brushing my teeth, wasn’t so fun (or freeing) after all.

When it comes to building and hedging a strong, God-honoring marriage, some are ready, eager and willing to do whatever it takes. Others, though married, highly value their “freedom” and are more hesitant. In fact, building marital hedges may sound just about as fun as getting a cavity filled, undergoing a colonoscopy or trying on your “skinny jeans” after porking out at an all-you-can-eat buffet.

But it’s Christ’s desire that husbands love their wives “just as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her,” and that wives “submit to their husbands as to the Lord” (Ephesians 5:22-25). Verse 21 tells us to, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” And Galatians 5:13 says, “You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love.” Clearly, we’re free in Christ, but we must use that freedom to love others (especially our spouses) “as ourselves” (Galatians 5:14).

The rewards of hedging your marriage (though it may require a “sacrifice of freedom” in the eyes of the world) are great. What do you gain by building marital hedges?

Your own fenced-in playground to share with your best friend. Yes, you’re pledging to steer clear of the seemingly-fun temptations of the world, but what you’re gaining is so much more thrilling, long-lasting, pure and wonderful! You’re building your own fenced-in, private playground where you and your spouse can rip off your masks, share your most intimate secrets, act like goofs and enjoy uninhibited sexual pleasure.

Unconditional love and forgiveness. Perhaps you’ve heard the saying, “If you want to become more like Jesus, get married.” It’s true: Marriage will require you to love and forgive unconditionally, even when your other half has hurt you deeply. Consequently, married love should mirror Christ’s love for His church closer than any other earthly form of love. While it may occasionally hurt to give this kind of love and forgiveness to your spouse, think of how wonderful it is to be on the receiving end.

Freedom from “what-ifs” and wonderings. By setting healthy boundaries for your marriage and maintaining an open and honest relationship with your spouse, you have no need to wonder what your spouse has been up to or what he is hiding. Most importantly, you know your marriage is in God’s hands.

So labor together. Go shopping for some nice-looking shrubs. Have a fight with the hose while planting them closely. Then stand back and admire what God has done. And if the grass starts to look greener on the other side, start watering your own hedge.

Consider the resource:  Hedges: Loving Your Marriage Enough to Protect It

Copyright © 2007, Focus on the Family. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.

by Dr. Gary Chapman

When you married, if you’re like most couples, you made a vow pledging your faithfulness. But now you’ve discovered your spouse didn’t take that vow seriously. It doesn’t matter whether it was a one-night stand or a long-term affair, the results are the same—your spouse’s action has left in its wake fear, doubt, distrust, betrayal, hurt, and anger.

Ultimately, it’s what you do with these emotions—how you process them—that makes the difference. For you and your marriage’s sake, you need to process these emotions in a positive way. Here’s help.

Healthy versus unhealthy responses

Allow the tears to flow. Initially, crying is a healthy response. But your body is limited to how long it can sustain such agony. Allow yourself to cry, but don’t move into a “poor me” attitude. That will do no one any good.

Tell your spouse how you feel. Verbally expressing your feelings is also a healthy way to process anger—as long as you use “I” statements rather than “you” statements. When you say, “You betrayed me. You took advantage of me. You don’t love me,” you only incite negative reactions. And we know that negative reactions don’t lead to positive outcomes.

Statements such as, “I feel betrayed. I feel hurt. I feel like you don’t love me” simply reveal your emotions. They’re honest and communicate the depth of your pain.

Control your behavior. Negative responses to anger can complicate the problem. If you start throwing dishes or speaking obscenities, your out-of-control behavior will only alleviate your spouse’s guilt. Now he can blame you rather than himself because your behavior has demonstrated that you’re an unreasonable, uncontrolled person.

Don’t retaliate. Retaliation is a common but negative response. Vengeful tactics include having an affair yourself to show your unfaithful spouse what it feels like to be betrayed or going to her workplace to cause a scene. Any effort at revenge is doomed to failure. Returning wrong for wrong simply makes the other person feel less guilty and stimulates him or her to return fire for fire.

Seek outside help. After the initial wave of shock, hurt, and anger, the most productive step you can take is to seek the wisdom of a Christian counselor. If your spouse isn’t willing to go, then go alone. You’re more likely to make wise decisions if you get the help of someone who isn’t emotionally involved in the situation.

Keep in mind that the purpose of counseling isn’t simply to keep you and your spouse in the same house. The purpose of counseling is to find forgiveness for past failures and then to establish new patterns of relating to each other that follow the biblical guidelines of love and respect.

Consider restoration. The biblical ideal is to seek restoration. Your marriage can be redeemed. There are no sins that cannot be forgiven. However, there can be no reconciliation without genuine repentance. Your spouse must be willing to break off all contact with the other person and devote himself or herself to rebuilding your marriage. 

Rebuilding trust

Reconciliation involves both of you taking an honest look at what gave rise to the sexual unfaithfulness. The objective isn’t to place blame on each other but to look at the dynamics of your marriage and discover what you and your mate need to change.

Forgiveness opens the door to rebuilding trust. Trust won’t return overnight. Trust grows as your spouse now chooses to be trustworthy. If she sincerely wants to rebuild trust, she’ll have the attitude, My life is an open book. You may check my cell phone, computer, and bank statements. From this moment on I have nothing to hide. I’m committed to rebuilding our marriage. This kind of openness and recommitment will in time help you restore trust.

Reconciliation after sexual infidelity is neither easy nor quick. But many couples will agree with the couple who told me, “Though it was painful, and healing took time, God bonded our hearts together again. Every time we tuck our children in bed, we look at each other and smile, thanking God that we didn’t give up on our marriage.”

Gary D. Chapman, Ph.D., author of Desperate Marriages: Moving Toward Hope and Healing in Your Relationship (Moody Publishers), has been married to Karolyn for 45 years.

Copyright © 2008 by Dr. Gary Chapman. 

Question:  We are so deep in consumer debt that it appears bankruptcy is our only option left. Tensions over money are threatening our marriage. How can we keep it from tearing us apart?

For decades it’s been true that money problems are the number one cause behind divorce. Money problems have a way of eating away at the core of a relationship and creating anger, fear, and bitterness between partners.

However, arguing over money and debt is only a symptom of a deeper problem in a marriage. Money has a unique way of exposing the struggle for control and competing values between a husband and wife.  If you are facing overwhelming debt at the moment realize that the two of you made a series of decisions to spend more than you earned (unless your debt is due to a medical calamity, lawsuit, or financial crisis beyond your control).

First, both of you need to confess to God and each other your decision to spend more than you made was a sin. There are legitimate reasons to incur debt (such as the purchase of house with a mortgage). However, consumer debt is usually the result of trying to acquire things we cannot afford or live beyond our means. Both of you need to ask the Lord to forgive you for failing to be content with what God provides.

Next, you should reach out to qualified and godly financial counselors for advice. Crown Ministries and other Christian-based ministries can help you sort through your financial problems and respond with solid biblical wisdom. In many cases your consumer debt can be drastically reduced without bankruptcy by working through a certified debt reduction agency. These people are able to negotiate directly with your creditors to settle your debt for 60% or less on the dollar. The result is you can break free from the stranglehold of escalating interest, late payments, and harassing phone calls from creditors.

Finally, you need to forgive each other for the wrong choices you made. Rather than assigning blame, commit from this point forward to honor the Lord with the first fruits of your income, to live within your means, and to pay off your creditors as God allows. Money problems can actually be an opportunity in disguise. It can be the catalyst to restore self-discipline in your life and straighten out distorted values. If handled properly resolving money issues can help your marriage gain a new sense of teamwork and oneness.

Question:  We are both in our second marriage and the issue of who should discipline the children keeps coming up? How can we keep our stepchildren from becoming a source of division in our marriage?

One of the common unforeseen consequences of a second marriage is the difficulties that occur when each mate brings a child or children with them from their first marriage. It’s quite common for tensions and disagreements in a blended family to erupt over who should discipline whom, and how much discipline is called for.

It’s important for both mates to realize that a step parent will rarely be seen, at least at first (or even ever), in the same light as the children see their biological parent. That’s only natural since the children spent a significant portion of their life with both biological parents before their parents’ marriage ended. There is the heart of every child a God-given longing for the original parents to be together, even if the reality is both are now in new marriages.

This calls for showing tremendous empathy, understanding, and patience on the part of both of you. Children are in a grieving process, and one predictable element of that process is anger. Anger can take the form of talking back, refusing to follow directions, and even outright rejection of the new step parent.

It’s our conviction that the biological parent should be the primary disciplinarian in a blended family. Children are much more likely to respond to and receive correction from their parent of origin than the relatively new stranger in their life. That does not mean children should be allowed to act out or engage in defiant behavior toward their new step parent. Scripture calls for all children to show proper respect toward all adults, regardless of the family relationship. Therefore the biological parent should step in and stop blatant displays of disrespect when they occur.

Remember, as a step parent you are going to have to win the heart of your step children before you gain their respect. Therefore the more love, patience, kindness, gentleness, long-suffering, and self-control (see Galatians 5 for the entire list of attributes that will win your child’s heart) you display the sooner the day will arrive when they respond in genuine acceptance and love and obedience. There’s an old adage to raising children that applies here:  rules without relationships produces rebellion.

Take the time to approach your stepchild as a caring adult and friend, rather than as the disciplinarian and taskmaster, and you’ll discover your rules with coupled with a loving relationship produces genuine heart response.

Question: My husband doesn’t feel comfortable praying out loud with myself or the children. Do you have any suggestions?

We often have an image of what ideal spiritual leadership ought to look like in our marriage, particularly for our husband. When the reality doesn’t fit our image we quickly find ourselves struggling with disappointment, lack of fulfillment, even anger. It’s important to remember the Bible doesn’t prescribe the exact methods of providing spiritual leadership in a marriage as much as it does general principles to use.

The basic principle of spiritual leadership is husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the church (5:25-27). One of the clearest ways Jesus showed His love for His Bride, the Church, was by praying for on their behalf (see John chapter 17). Paul also explains husbands are to wash their wives in the Word, meaning we are to read or share the Scriptures with our spouse on a continual basis.

 
Husbands who feel uncomfortable praying out loud can start by simply holding hands with their wife and praying silently (Gary Chapman’s excellent suggestion). Start small – with perhaps just 30 seconds of silent prayer. Over time your husband will likely gain confidence and one day try praying short prayers out loud. It’s important that all along you show patience and not judge your husband because he isn’t as verbally confident as you are.

 
Another suggestion is buying a devotional book and reading a page a day together. We have written Marriage Minutes: Inspirational Readings You Can Share With Your Spouse, just for this purpose. (It’s available to order on-line at www.marriagevine.com.) Your husband can simply read one page a day and doesn’t need to say anything beyond that. Such a devotional book provides structure, content, and a comfortable way for him to lead the two of you in devotions together. There are also numerous on-line ministries that offer monthly or quarterly devotionals that give you both the opportunity to share 5 minutes of Scripture reading and prayer together each day (see Today in the Word at www.moody.edu for one such resource).

 
Finally, there are numerous audio downloads available on the Internet that you two can listen to together at no cost. For example http://www.biblegateway.com has the entire Bible on audio download available to hear at the click of a mouse. The two of you can sit together and listen to one or two chapters of Scripture read to you in a meaningful fashion. The end result is again, you have had devotions together without creating a threatening situation for your husband.

 
Wives, may we suggest you compliment your husband for each small step they take? He doesn’t need to preach like Peter or pray like Paul, as the old spiritual goes, for you to show your respect and gratitude. Let your husband be himself taking small steps he feels comfortable with and then express your genuine appreciation. It will draw out the best in him and encourage his role as spiritual leader in your home.