MYTHS & MISCONCEPTIONS OF MARRIAGE
By Milan and Kay Yerkovich
A myth is a fairy tale or story about heroes that offers explanations about the origins of natural phenomena or aspects of human behavior. A misconception is mistaken idea or view resulting from a misunderstanding. What expectation did you have on your wedding day about love and what marriage would be like? Maybe some of your disappointments and unmet expectation come from myths and misconceptions about marriage. The media feeds us a constant diet promoting an idealized picture of love, romance, sex that influences our thinking. In addition to the influence of the media, the families we grow up in shape our expectations about love and marriage. In our book, How We Love, we talk about the impact of our relationship with our parents in creating a “love style” that governs how we interact. Embedded within each of these love styles are myths and misconceptions about love.
We all enter marriage with a belief system relative to love, relationships and sex. The sad reality is that myths and misconceptions create false beliefs of idealized romance. We come to marriage with expectations and hope that burn deeply within each of us. When these hopes are not realized, couples are deeply disappointed and led to despair. Unfortunately, the level of marital disillusionment has led to a whopping 50% divorce rate amongst churched and un-churched couples.

Common myths and misconceptions of marriage.
Here are the most common responses that we hear from people in our seminars, offices and on the radio as people voice their true feelings about life and love. While you may find some of your favorites in any category, we have listed those most common to each of the love styles we describe in our book; the Avoider, the Pleaser, the Vacillator, the Controller, and the Victim.

General Myths and Misconceptions:
“If it is real, deep, love it will naturally carry us to new highs of experiential love.”
“Sex should be good with no problems.”
“Christians won‟t have marriage stress, and if they do, they can be “delivered” or
have “victory” over it and it will go away!”
“The Bible says “The two shall become one‟ and we don‟t always feel that way, so
something must be wrong!”
“In the words of Rodney King, “Can‟t we all just get along?‟”

Avoiders often have these misconceptions.
“Staying in love should be as easy as falling in love. It was so easy!”
“Good intentions will keep us going.”
“I shouldn‟t have to change my mate should love me just the way I am.”
“This is too hard; I must have married the wrong person.”

Pleasers tend to hold to these false beliefs.
“If I were honest with my mate, I don‟t think that they could handle it!”
“If I try hard enough I can make everyone happy.”
“It‟s better to ignore problems than cause a fight.”

Vacillators are drawn to these myths and misconceptions:
“If the passion is gone, something is seriously wrong.”
“I‟d be happier with another person. My mate is hopeless. This is too hard!”
“I just know my “soul mate” is out there.”
“Love should not make me feel so conflicted. On one hand, I‟m drawn toward
relationship yet on the other hand, we repel one another and cause such hurt.”
“I keep trying to change my mate, but they won‟t budge!”
“If the feelings are gone, there is no hope.”

Controllers often believe these myths and misconceptions.
“If my feelings aren‟t there, then I‟m not obligated.”
“My spouse should just know what I need and what I‟m thinking!”
“My way is the right way.”
Victims often believe these myths.
“Other people know best.”
“I deserve what I get.”

The humanistic “world view” of romance and sex.
What are we told every day by the media and Hollywood? What are the societal views that are accepted as truth within the secular “world view”? Here is what we see reflected from the minds and hearts of the people we have seen over the years.

1. Hollywood, Madison Avenue pornography, prostitution and our own fantasies create a “Fictitious Woman”. This fantasy, persistently and flagrantly foisted upon us through the media, portrays the woman as having the same drives, sexual hunger, lust and aggressive characteristics as the male. This is appealing to the male, who desires to be pursued and seduced by the female. The problem is 99% of wives don‟t meet this fantasy and never will. False expectations are created and frustration ensues. The male really believes this LIE and searches for this women, waiting to discover her. In the media, males are portrayed as sexual predators, constantly on the hunt. Men who are not like this often feel defective.

2. The male may expresses dissatisfaction with his wife and place immense pressure upon her to change, wanting her to do more than enjoy sex. He may desire her to be an aggressive pursuer, who cannot wait to seduce him. We can even do this as Christians, imposing a worldly stereotype upon our spouses.

3. Peer pressure during adolescence is a strong force shaping the sexual behavior of males and females. Males are often introduced to pornography and may develop habits of frequent masturbation becoming accustomed to quick intense sexual experiences devoid of real relationship. Promiscuity is common, and to have sex is to “score”. (If you love me, you‟ll let me). Frequent sex, with little “real-life relationship”, may establish unrealistic patterns of desire and “need” later in the marital relationship. Most sexual addictions have their origin in adolescence when the sexual drive is fed relentlessly. Sex can become like a drug providing a rush of adrenaline, a distraction from the growth pains of adolescence and frequent enough to make a transition to satisfying marital sex difficult if not impossible.

4. When disappointed with the realities of marital sex, the male (or female) may engage in a fantasy world in which sex with the fantasy lover is perfect and unfettered by the difficulties of real relationships.

5. The male (or female) may be drawn to illicit promiscuous sex, which is exciting and exhilarating, and adrenaline producing, and again devoid of “real life”. Feeling seduced and desired in an affair, one feels they have “found” what has been missing. “This is it!” The affair continues, divorces are secured, the new couple get married, settle into a routine and reality hits. Unless this cycle is recognized and stopped, the search goes on, and on and Satan keeps his victim entrapped in his snare.
What are some of the responses to the pressures created by these innate and cultural misconceptions? Couples feel angry, hurt, defective, guilty, panicky, and quite often hopeless and cynical. Many women will pray, “Lord, Creator of sex and romance, please change me so I want sex as much as my husband.” And the typical prayer of the husband is “AMEN!” When that prayer goes unanswered women feel confused and defective. Feeling defective does not increase sexual interest! In reality, these women are often great responders when the man offers touch and foreplay. However, “Hollywood” has suggested women should be seducers not responders.

Why do relational problems develop?
There are many reasons why relational problems develop. Actually, many of our relational deficiencies were infused into our being long before we ever fell in love. Here are just a few.
1. Inadequate parental relational modeling and teaching as well as hurts and pains from our family of origin (FOO) that result in an injured attachment experience.

2. Roles or defenses learned in childhood that were protective then, but when maintained into adulthood, block and hinders intimacy now.

3. Repression of certain feelings in childhood creates an inability to feel a wide range of emotions as an adult. Feelings are indicators of “needs”, so… if you don‟t know what you feel you won‟t know what you need

4. Wrong priorities such as an over focus on children or work / career to the detriment of the marriage.

5. Day to day as well as stage of life “stressors” that push weaknesses to the forefront.

6. Constant or chronic conflict without healthy resolution results in resentment, bitterness, and anger. Successful conflict resolution (a learned skill) promotes intimacy

7. Blaming your spouse, rather that taking responsibility for your contribution to the problems contributes to the deterioration of a relationship.

8. The Biblical concept of “sin” includes the concept of “missing the mark”. All of us miss the mark daily in every aspect of our lives and fall short of God‟s ideal.
Accepting that we are broken and we are married to a broken person helps expectations to be more realistic. We all need to view ourselves as people who are “in process”, moving from hurt to healing.

9. Because sex is such a dominant drive in our lives and Satan is the “god of this
world”, he is continually ensnaring and exploiting this drive into distorted aberrations of the original design. As a result, we are each hurt and injured by the distorted thinking and subsequent actions of others as they are influenced by Satan‟s lies. In a fallen world with an enemy who wishes to ensnare us and keep us from living for God, the three things that are used most frequently to hook us are sex, power and money (I John 2:15-17).

Marriage is a continuous, dynamic, fluxing, evolving, montage of issues, stages, passages, stresses, difficulties, disappointments, accomplishments as well as the unrelenting “urge to merge” with someone who loves us. Our own issues, hopes, desires, hurts, pains, baggage, dysfunctions in addition to my spouses own set of issues leads all of us into muddy world in which we need God‟s help and perspective.

Biblical truths that bear upon our relationships.

1. Marriage is “special” and “sacred” (Genesis 2):

Male and female are above the rest of creation in that they are made in the “image and likeness” of God and were designed to complement one another. “Aloneness” is replaced by “relationship”.
We are not “one” per se, rather we are individual persons “glued” together, who can enjoy being “one flesh” (sexual union).

Marriage is the most sacred of all human institutions, in that God has joined man and woman together. It is to be carefully guarded, preserved and nurtured as a dynamic vs. static entity. It is not to be broken apart.

2. Marriage is threatened and actively opposed by our enemy Satan and God‟s creation is now tainted by “sin” which introduces stress into the relationship (Genesis 3-4, Romans 8):
There is a “tension” in life as a result of “The Curse”. This is true in regards to the general stream of history and this is the context within which we as human beings find ourselves today.
There is a special tension or “power struggle” that God said would be present within the marriage relationship (desire = control vs. rule = lead). We are “swimming up stream”.

3. Marriage is to have a “structure” that allows for growth, restoration and healing (Ephesians 5:22-33, I Corinthians 11:3):

God instructs us to “work through” this “power struggle” by assuming specific roles within the marriage relationship. The husband is the initiator / lover and the wife is the responder.

There is a tremendous emphasis and direction to the husband to uncompromisingly love his wife imitating the model of Christ loving the Church. He is to be the loving leader of the home, taking initiative for the growth and well-being of himself, his wife and the children.

Ultimately, marriage is the place where healing takes place. We all sin and have been hurt by the sin of others. This causes us to be like Adam and Eve and we do exactly what they did. In Genesis chapter three we read how they were afraid, hid themselves from God, were ashamed of their nakedness and sought to cover themselves. The chief end of marriage then is to so love and nurture (and to be loved and nurtured) that we progress toward greater “safety” so as to be naked (transparent) and unfearing (vulnerable) in the relationship spiritually, emotionally and physically.

4. Successful Christian marriage involves individual responsibility for growth and change. We will each give an account of ourselves at the “judgment seat of Christ” (Gal.5:22, 6:7, II Cor. 5:9-10).

Christian growth is the key to improved relationships. God uses the family (marriage and children as well as other relationships) as his main instruments of helping us grow. Within families, we have the capacity to see the weaknesses in each other. We can‟t hide from our spouses and children so; we need to learn from them. We can accept or resist this. It is a “tearing down” / “exposing” before the “building up” process can really begin.

As we each individually mature in Christ, God‟s character qualities increasingly blossom within each of our lives. More love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self-control! These qualities allow us to create the homes, marriages and relationships that we truly desire.
As we lay aside the myths and misconceptions and lean into God‟s design for our repair, we then can learn to become more bonded to one another. Through a salvation experience of trusting in Christ as our Savior to forgive us of our sins, the Bible teaches that the Holy Spirit resides within us, which in turn enables us to become something quite different. As we mature in the Lord and embrace His truths, our minds are gradually transformed which results in a metamorphosis of our soul. This radical change will then positively effect How We Love.

Article written and by Milan and Kay Yerkovich.  Please check out their website at www.relationship180.com.  You can find their book, How We Love, which this article is based, here. Copyright © Milan and Kay Yerkovich 2006

Excerpted from the book Road Warrior by Stephen Arterburn and Sam Gullucci

There are six external activities that can help you build a strong intimacy in your marriage and sustain you while you are on the road.

1. Laughing Together
Laughter is a doorway to intimacy. It is like an instant vacation in a marriage and the best way to keep perspective when things go wrong. If you laugh together, you can cry together, and thereby feel more ready to trust each other when communicating feelings. If you can find humor in everything, you can survive anything. Do not take things so seriously. Learn to stop yourself when you are ready to get angry and instead use the love language of laughter. If this is your behavior at home, then you can take this behavior on the road through phone calls and little creative things you can do while you are away.

2. Encouraging Each Other
Become each others cheerleader. Learn how to encourage and support your spouse’s activities. Listen and really take an interest in the things your spouse likes to do. Express respect for your husband. Every chance you get, compliment him in public and in private. Build up your wife in front of others and give her honest credit for your family’s successes. Let your spouse truly know you appreciate him or her. The more we build up our spouses, the more they will feel valued by us and build us up in turn.

3.Touching Each Other
The power of intimate touch cannot be underestimated. You must develop a healthy habit of touching each other beyond just the bedroom. Intimate touch is the love connection of holding hands, cuddling, stroking each others hair arm or leg, and other ways of showing physical affection. Too frequently I run into couples who do not touch each other, especially in public. Touch is the basis on which couples develop a healthy desire for each other. Touching your spouse protects you from wanting to touch others in a world of many lonely people. Touch protects you from finding a substitute for what God has designed for your marriage—Intimate touch does not have to include sexual touch, but we must develop a language of sexual touch with our spouse as well. If you learn to touch your spouse, you will lose your desire to touch someone else.

4. Talking About Your Feelings
One of the biggest barriers to growth in marriage is the absence of  discussion. Couples must talk about their feelings. Life is not perfect, and marriage is not perfect. Your spouse is not perfect and neither are you. You need to talk to your spouse about how you feel and what you struggle with. Traveling with unresolved issues can actually cause a heart to grow colder. Set aside time each week for just the two of you to go out and talk. Tell your spouse what happened each day and what challenges you had personally. If you learn to invest time together while you’re at home, your time on the phone will increase in meaning and depth while our on the road.

5. Forgiving and Being Forgiven
We must not let resentments build up in our marriage; we must learn to forgive our spouses and ourselves. Conflicts in marriage happen, and we need to give our spouses permission to tell us what they are struggling with. Everyone’s feelings are valid. We must get to know how our spouses feel on issues that cause conflict between us. If you do not share and forgive, you are not in a place to see your spouse or yourself properly. We cannot express love and receive love properly if we do not forgive.

6.Protecting Your Image of Your Spouse
This is the biggest vulnerability to attack you will face when on the road. Intimacy with your spouse must not only be developed, it must be protected! Our images must be real, not make-believe. What we see on per-per-view or over the Internet is not a real source of intimacy. If we look at other images as sources of physical intimacy, we set ourselves back and block our view of seeing things clearly. If we think about them and meditate on them, we rob ourselves of true intimacy. When you begin to find true intimacy with your spouse, you will lose your desire for substitutes and instead try to protect your relationship. The goal must be to seek and search for those things in your spouse that will grow your love and intimacy. Your spouse must be the most important person in your life.

Written by Erin Prater

Hedges. You probably don’t spend much time thinking about them. Bills? Yes. Work? Yes. The kids? Yes. But not hedges. What comes to mind when you think of one, anyway? A hedge fund? A hedgehog? An oddly-shaped row of bushes awkwardly leveled-off at the top, prickly and just about as appealing as a bad haircut?

While a hedge might not be what your property needs, it is what your marriage needs. When we talk about building a hedge in your marriage, we’re actually talking about constructing a mutually protective investment that will allow your marriage to flourish like never before.

What Is a Hedge?

Merriam-Webster provides numerous definitions for “hedge.” About half do a perfect job of defining a hedge’s role in marriage. The other half make great antonyms. Let’s take a look at them.

Definitions

any barrier or boundary
Here we learn that the word “hedge” can really be used to define an ugly, green yard trimming; Fido’s invisible electric fence; or a marriage-protecting set of boundaries agreed upon by a husband or wife.

to … restrict; to prevent or hinder free movement; to obstruct
Not the most fun or pleasant of definitions, is it? You might think, If building marital hedges gives my wife ammo to whine about me shooting pool with the boys on Friday night, I want nothing to do with it. Though banishing pool night is not a definition, limiting yourself out of love, or compromising, can actually be extremely freeing and mutually satisfying. More on this later.

a row of bushes or small trees planted close together, esp. when forming a fence or boundary …
So evidently ugly, evergreen-like bushes aren’t the only options for forming a physical hedge! Of actual importance: Constructing a hedge entails planting multiple, protective shrubs of choice close together. If each action taken by you, your spouse or the two of you represents a shrub, planting a few scattered ones once in a blue moon don’t form much of a protective barrier. You’ll keep legally blind squirrels out, but not much else.

to protect with qualifications that allow for unstated contingencies or for withdrawal from commitment
This definition reminds me of a recent commercial: A husband answers the door and is greeted by a host of new appliances and a delivery man asking for his John Hancock. Bewildered, he looks back at his wife, eyes beseeching her for an answer. She smugly produces a small tape recorder and presses play. The man hears his own voice saying, “Honey, you can do anything you want if I get new golf clubs.”

This definition is actually used in the financial and corporate worlds. But a marital hedge isn’t meant for selfish manipulation. Though defined by mutually agreed upon, steadfast boundaries, it flourishes in mercy and wilts in legalism. Building a hedge around your marriage will help protect you from the painful attacks Satan throws your way, but you’ll still be subject to the loving tests and disciplines of a caring God. It’s not a cure-all, and in no way gives you permission to back out of your “I Dos.”

the act or means of preventing complete loss of a bet, an argument, an investment, or the like
This may be the most telling of all definitions. Boundaries in marriage, tempered with grace and forgiveness, prevent the loss of the second greatest investment you’ll ever make: marriage. The first? Surrendering your life to Christ.

To make hedge-building worth your work, you must first view your marriage as a precious, valuable investment. Does your marriage seem like a bet, tentative at best? Or does it seem like an argument, a constant, perpetual argument? Pray for eyes to see your marriage for what it really is: a sacred promise, a safe hiding place, a vehicle for personal and mutual growth and a gorgeous allegory for Christ and His bride.

Do You Need a Hedge?

Here are a few simple indicators that your marriage may require hedging:

• You or your spouse has had an extramarital affair
• You and your spouse don’t attend church regularly
• You and your spouse don’t eat dinner together
• You or your spouse work full time
• You or your spouse are Caucasian, African American, Native American, Hispanic, Asian or any other race
• You or your spouse watch too much TV
• You, and/or your spouse, are human

You may be newlyweds, parents to elementary-aged children or celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary. You may have a large wedding ring and spend lots of time together. You may consider yours a “strong, Christian marriage.” Regardless, your marriage needs hedging!

Why? No one is immune to temptation–not married folks, not Christians, not even Jesus! (See Matthew 4.) Think about it. Do you truly expect your house to be robbed or to burn down when you install a security system and sprinklers? Do you truly expect to have an auto accident when you purchase car insurance? You make these investments because you want to protect a valuable asset.

Resolve to Hedge

Your marriage has cost you both a lot: money, “freedom,” half the bed and a partial timeshare of the TV remote. But whether you realize it now or not, you’ve reaped more benefits than you’ve sown. Come to the conclusion that your marriage is valuable, that it needs hedging and that you’re doing both of you a favor by building and maintaining that hedge. Realize that your attempts to build a strong, God-honoring marriage are pleasing to Him. He will bless you for it!

Draw Your Lines and Stay Far Away from Them

Remember life before marriage? If you were raised in a typical church setting, it’s likely that a youth pastor encouraged you to set and maintain your sexual boundaries. You knew premarital sex was wrong, but some of you might have gotten just as close to the line as you could without crossing it. Sometimes it’s easy to want to push boundary lines in marriage, too. Obviously, having a sex outside of marriage is wrong. Even activities we might have allowed before marriage, such as kissing and cuddling, are clearly wrong when done outside of marriage. But have you deemed some areas, such as emotional affairs, gambling or porn, “grey” and let them slide? Remember, the goal is not to settle for the “thou shalt nots.” Clearly state and agree on the obvious “no-nos,” then move on to areas society might consider fuzzy, such as spending time with the opposite sex or reading romance novels. Pray for hearts that desire to honor God and your spouse. Protect your marriage from outside, inside, even “minor” threats.

Become Accountability Partners

The need for accountability doesn’t end with marriage, rather, it greatens! During your single years your actions probably only affected you. Now, you have two (or more, if you have children) lives affected by your every action. Though additional accountability partners of the same sex can be blessings, your spouse should be your primary. This time, you may find it even harder to be honest. Your spouse has a vested interest in your shortcomings. You may fear hurting him or being knocked off a pedestal if you confess even something as small as a temptation.

They key? The only One who can safely be placed on a pedestal is God. View your spouse as a fellow sinner seated across the kitchen table. Neither of you is immune to temptation. Both of you are sinners sorely in need of grace and mercy from God — and from each other. Don’t use this as an excuse to push boundaries; rather, use it as permission to be honest with each other and love each other extravagantly. If your honesty, or that of your spouse, is hard to swallow, run to God together. You’ll be amazed at how He’ll build intimacy in your marriage and cause your hedge to flourish.

Respect Your Hedge Individually; Build It Corporately

There will be decisions you’ll make on your own that fortify your marriage, such as passing up that lotto ticket or closing out of that porn pop-up window. But, as with everything, two hands (or four, rather) are better than … well, one set. Share your temptations, victories and failures with each other while sharing your favorite snack or meal. Pray and cry together. Forgive and forget. Make time each week for a few transparent, vulnerable minutes for the two of you. Have regular date nights.

If your spouse is unwilling to build a marital hedge with you, know that any hedge you attempt to build yourself will be blessed by God. Tell your spouse about your desire to protect your marriage, the steps you’re taking to do so and your shortcomings. Most of all, keep praying. Because your marriage is a portrait of His relationship with His church, you can be sure God desires it to be a beautiful one.

What Will You Gain?

When I was a kid, I hated brushing my teeth. I had to be forced into it. Let’s just say this: It’s a good thing your first set of teeth are naturally replaceable.

These days, I love dental hygiene. I clip coupons for the latest toothpaste flavors. I floss regularly, and am carefully researching water picks before I “take the plunge.” And when the timer goes off on my spinning toothbrush, I’m still brushing. Time flies when you’re having fun!

I guess a love for dental hygiene (like coffee, sushi and many other things in life) is an acquired taste. Maybe I was burned (or numbed) one too many times by cavity fillings. Maybe the freedom to do whatever I wanted, including eating mounds of Twinkies and going to bed without brushing my teeth, wasn’t so fun (or freeing) after all.

When it comes to building and hedging a strong, God-honoring marriage, some are ready, eager and willing to do whatever it takes. Others, though married, highly value their “freedom” and are more hesitant. In fact, building marital hedges may sound just about as fun as getting a cavity filled, undergoing a colonoscopy or trying on your “skinny jeans” after porking out at an all-you-can-eat buffet.

But it’s Christ’s desire that husbands love their wives “just as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her,” and that wives “submit to their husbands as to the Lord” (Ephesians 5:22-25). Verse 21 tells us to, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” And Galatians 5:13 says, “You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love.” Clearly, we’re free in Christ, but we must use that freedom to love others (especially our spouses) “as ourselves” (Galatians 5:14).

The rewards of hedging your marriage (though it may require a “sacrifice of freedom” in the eyes of the world) are great. What do you gain by building marital hedges?

Your own fenced-in playground to share with your best friend. Yes, you’re pledging to steer clear of the seemingly-fun temptations of the world, but what you’re gaining is so much more thrilling, long-lasting, pure and wonderful! You’re building your own fenced-in, private playground where you and your spouse can rip off your masks, share your most intimate secrets, act like goofs and enjoy uninhibited sexual pleasure.

Unconditional love and forgiveness. Perhaps you’ve heard the saying, “If you want to become more like Jesus, get married.” It’s true: Marriage will require you to love and forgive unconditionally, even when your other half has hurt you deeply. Consequently, married love should mirror Christ’s love for His church closer than any other earthly form of love. While it may occasionally hurt to give this kind of love and forgiveness to your spouse, think of how wonderful it is to be on the receiving end.

Freedom from “what-ifs” and wonderings. By setting healthy boundaries for your marriage and maintaining an open and honest relationship with your spouse, you have no need to wonder what your spouse has been up to or what he is hiding. Most importantly, you know your marriage is in God’s hands.

So labor together. Go shopping for some nice-looking shrubs. Have a fight with the hose while planting them closely. Then stand back and admire what God has done. And if the grass starts to look greener on the other side, start watering your own hedge.

Consider the resource:  Hedges: Loving Your Marriage Enough to Protect It

Copyright © 2007, Focus on the Family. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.

by Dr. Gary Chapman

When you married, if you’re like most couples, you made a vow pledging your faithfulness. But now you’ve discovered your spouse didn’t take that vow seriously. It doesn’t matter whether it was a one-night stand or a long-term affair, the results are the same—your spouse’s action has left in its wake fear, doubt, distrust, betrayal, hurt, and anger.

Ultimately, it’s what you do with these emotions—how you process them—that makes the difference. For you and your marriage’s sake, you need to process these emotions in a positive way. Here’s help.

Healthy versus unhealthy responses

Allow the tears to flow. Initially, crying is a healthy response. But your body is limited to how long it can sustain such agony. Allow yourself to cry, but don’t move into a “poor me” attitude. That will do no one any good.

Tell your spouse how you feel. Verbally expressing your feelings is also a healthy way to process anger—as long as you use “I” statements rather than “you” statements. When you say, “You betrayed me. You took advantage of me. You don’t love me,” you only incite negative reactions. And we know that negative reactions don’t lead to positive outcomes.

Statements such as, “I feel betrayed. I feel hurt. I feel like you don’t love me” simply reveal your emotions. They’re honest and communicate the depth of your pain.

Control your behavior. Negative responses to anger can complicate the problem. If you start throwing dishes or speaking obscenities, your out-of-control behavior will only alleviate your spouse’s guilt. Now he can blame you rather than himself because your behavior has demonstrated that you’re an unreasonable, uncontrolled person.

Don’t retaliate. Retaliation is a common but negative response. Vengeful tactics include having an affair yourself to show your unfaithful spouse what it feels like to be betrayed or going to her workplace to cause a scene. Any effort at revenge is doomed to failure. Returning wrong for wrong simply makes the other person feel less guilty and stimulates him or her to return fire for fire.

Seek outside help. After the initial wave of shock, hurt, and anger, the most productive step you can take is to seek the wisdom of a Christian counselor. If your spouse isn’t willing to go, then go alone. You’re more likely to make wise decisions if you get the help of someone who isn’t emotionally involved in the situation.

Keep in mind that the purpose of counseling isn’t simply to keep you and your spouse in the same house. The purpose of counseling is to find forgiveness for past failures and then to establish new patterns of relating to each other that follow the biblical guidelines of love and respect.

Consider restoration. The biblical ideal is to seek restoration. Your marriage can be redeemed. There are no sins that cannot be forgiven. However, there can be no reconciliation without genuine repentance. Your spouse must be willing to break off all contact with the other person and devote himself or herself to rebuilding your marriage. 

Rebuilding trust

Reconciliation involves both of you taking an honest look at what gave rise to the sexual unfaithfulness. The objective isn’t to place blame on each other but to look at the dynamics of your marriage and discover what you and your mate need to change.

Forgiveness opens the door to rebuilding trust. Trust won’t return overnight. Trust grows as your spouse now chooses to be trustworthy. If she sincerely wants to rebuild trust, she’ll have the attitude, My life is an open book. You may check my cell phone, computer, and bank statements. From this moment on I have nothing to hide. I’m committed to rebuilding our marriage. This kind of openness and recommitment will in time help you restore trust.

Reconciliation after sexual infidelity is neither easy nor quick. But many couples will agree with the couple who told me, “Though it was painful, and healing took time, God bonded our hearts together again. Every time we tuck our children in bed, we look at each other and smile, thanking God that we didn’t give up on our marriage.”

Gary D. Chapman, Ph.D., author of Desperate Marriages: Moving Toward Hope and Healing in Your Relationship (Moody Publishers), has been married to Karolyn for 45 years.

Copyright © 2008 by Dr. Gary Chapman. 

Question:  We are so deep in consumer debt that it appears bankruptcy is our only option left. Tensions over money are threatening our marriage. How can we keep it from tearing us apart?

For decades it’s been true that money problems are the number one cause behind divorce. Money problems have a way of eating away at the core of a relationship and creating anger, fear, and bitterness between partners.

However, arguing over money and debt is only a symptom of a deeper problem in a marriage. Money has a unique way of exposing the struggle for control and competing values between a husband and wife.  If you are facing overwhelming debt at the moment realize that the two of you made a series of decisions to spend more than you earned (unless your debt is due to a medical calamity, lawsuit, or financial crisis beyond your control).

First, both of you need to confess to God and each other your decision to spend more than you made was a sin. There are legitimate reasons to incur debt (such as the purchase of house with a mortgage). However, consumer debt is usually the result of trying to acquire things we cannot afford or live beyond our means. Both of you need to ask the Lord to forgive you for failing to be content with what God provides.

Next, you should reach out to qualified and godly financial counselors for advice. Crown Ministries and other Christian-based ministries can help you sort through your financial problems and respond with solid biblical wisdom. In many cases your consumer debt can be drastically reduced without bankruptcy by working through a certified debt reduction agency. These people are able to negotiate directly with your creditors to settle your debt for 60% or less on the dollar. The result is you can break free from the stranglehold of escalating interest, late payments, and harassing phone calls from creditors.

Finally, you need to forgive each other for the wrong choices you made. Rather than assigning blame, commit from this point forward to honor the Lord with the first fruits of your income, to live within your means, and to pay off your creditors as God allows. Money problems can actually be an opportunity in disguise. It can be the catalyst to restore self-discipline in your life and straighten out distorted values. If handled properly resolving money issues can help your marriage gain a new sense of teamwork and oneness.