Question:  We are both in our second marriage and the issue of who should discipline the children keeps coming up? How can we keep our stepchildren from becoming a source of division in our marriage?

One of the common unforeseen consequences of a second marriage is the difficulties that occur when each mate brings a child or children with them from their first marriage. It’s quite common for tensions and disagreements in a blended family to erupt over who should discipline whom, and how much discipline is called for.

It’s important for both mates to realize that a step parent will rarely be seen, at least at first (or even ever), in the same light as the children see their biological parent. That’s only natural since the children spent a significant portion of their life with both biological parents before their parents’ marriage ended. There is the heart of every child a God-given longing for the original parents to be together, even if the reality is both are now in new marriages.

This calls for showing tremendous empathy, understanding, and patience on the part of both of you. Children are in a grieving process, and one predictable element of that process is anger. Anger can take the form of talking back, refusing to follow directions, and even outright rejection of the new step parent.

It’s our conviction that the biological parent should be the primary disciplinarian in a blended family. Children are much more likely to respond to and receive correction from their parent of origin than the relatively new stranger in their life. That does not mean children should be allowed to act out or engage in defiant behavior toward their new step parent. Scripture calls for all children to show proper respect toward all adults, regardless of the family relationship. Therefore the biological parent should step in and stop blatant displays of disrespect when they occur.

Remember, as a step parent you are going to have to win the heart of your step children before you gain their respect. Therefore the more love, patience, kindness, gentleness, long-suffering, and self-control (see Galatians 5 for the entire list of attributes that will win your child’s heart) you display the sooner the day will arrive when they respond in genuine acceptance and love and obedience. There’s an old adage to raising children that applies here:  rules without relationships produces rebellion.

Take the time to approach your stepchild as a caring adult and friend, rather than as the disciplinarian and taskmaster, and you’ll discover your rules with coupled with a loving relationship produces genuine heart response.

Question: My husband doesn’t feel comfortable praying out loud with myself or the children. Do you have any suggestions?

We often have an image of what ideal spiritual leadership ought to look like in our marriage, particularly for our husband. When the reality doesn’t fit our image we quickly find ourselves struggling with disappointment, lack of fulfillment, even anger. It’s important to remember the Bible doesn’t prescribe the exact methods of providing spiritual leadership in a marriage as much as it does general principles to use.

The basic principle of spiritual leadership is husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the church (5:25-27). One of the clearest ways Jesus showed His love for His Bride, the Church, was by praying for on their behalf (see John chapter 17). Paul also explains husbands are to wash their wives in the Word, meaning we are to read or share the Scriptures with our spouse on a continual basis.

 
Husbands who feel uncomfortable praying out loud can start by simply holding hands with their wife and praying silently (Gary Chapman’s excellent suggestion). Start small – with perhaps just 30 seconds of silent prayer. Over time your husband will likely gain confidence and one day try praying short prayers out loud. It’s important that all along you show patience and not judge your husband because he isn’t as verbally confident as you are.

 
Another suggestion is buying a devotional book and reading a page a day together. We have written Marriage Minutes: Inspirational Readings You Can Share With Your Spouse, just for this purpose. (It’s available to order on-line at www.marriagevine.com.) Your husband can simply read one page a day and doesn’t need to say anything beyond that. Such a devotional book provides structure, content, and a comfortable way for him to lead the two of you in devotions together. There are also numerous on-line ministries that offer monthly or quarterly devotionals that give you both the opportunity to share 5 minutes of Scripture reading and prayer together each day (see Today in the Word at www.moody.edu for one such resource).

 
Finally, there are numerous audio downloads available on the Internet that you two can listen to together at no cost. For example http://www.biblegateway.com has the entire Bible on audio download available to hear at the click of a mouse. The two of you can sit together and listen to one or two chapters of Scripture read to you in a meaningful fashion. The end result is again, you have had devotions together without creating a threatening situation for your husband.

 
Wives, may we suggest you compliment your husband for each small step they take? He doesn’t need to preach like Peter or pray like Paul, as the old spiritual goes, for you to show your respect and gratitude. Let your husband be himself taking small steps he feels comfortable with and then express your genuine appreciation. It will draw out the best in him and encourage his role as spiritual leader in your home.

I’m not saying you’re always the nagger, just that you sometimes fall into a pattern of wrongly insisting that your spouse immediately obey your stated will. You’ve been inconsiderate and presumptuous. You’ve failed to appreciate that your spouse may want to fulfill your desires, but has valid reasons not to respond at that moment.

Nagging is, at its root, profoundly disrespectful. A nagger acts like a parent, insulting a partner’s intelligence (or at least his “hearing”) and policing his behavior, making sure he minds. A nagger also indulges in an unhealthy attitude of entitlement. You assume your spouse has no say in when or how high he or she should jump when you issue the command.

If you’re the nagger, try some of these strategies.

• Acknowledge any arrogance or insensitivity that has colored your approach to your spouse.
• Reject the expectation that your spouse will always fulfill your desires immediately. Use your imagination to think of legitimate reasons why your spouse may be unable to respond to your request right now. Give your heart a spiritual adjustment, remembering Jesus’ intent “not to be served, but to serve.”
• Value your spouse’s input. Maybe your spouse has valid reasons for not acting on your “suggestions.” Be open to seeing things from his or her perspective because “two are better than one” in the long run.
• Stop repeating yourself. Learn to state your needs, and practice receiving your spouse’s response graciously—even if the response doesn’t fully address what you asked for.
• Put your needs in God’s hands. If your spouse’s first response is disappointing, pray about it. Give God time to work in your spouse’s life apart from your nagging. Make it a matter of faith.

If You’re the Naggee

It’s easier to admit being the naggee, but that doesn’t let you off the hook. If you’re on the receiving end of the nagging, you may have developed a pattern of avoidance. You might find it easier to withdraw from the conversation, or to ignore your spouse, than to establish true adult-to-adult respect. But by not acknowledging your spouse’s request, you’re minimizing it. You’re sending this message: “I don’t respect you enough to address your need or to give you honest and sincere answers.”

Many naggees, oddly enough, endure nagging for years without openly challenging it. Why? As long as it goes on, they can blame the nagger. They can hang onto the resentment they feel when their spouses go ahead and make decisions without them. Have you allowed the nagging to go on without doing anything to solve the problem?

If you are a naggee, you can stop the destructive teeter-tottering.

• Examine yourself for any fear or reluctance to engage in legitimate confrontation with your spouse. Do you avoid forging solutions so you can escape the tensions that might arise?
• Search your own attitudes for hidden anger or bitterness. Do you lash back inside even though you don’t do so verbally?
• If you find you are angry or resentful of your spouse’s nagging, pray for the courage and poise to express your anger lovingly and truthfully. Be specific about which of your spouse’s words and actions created your negative feelings.

Question:  My spouse seems to nag me when they don’t get what they want. How can we change this annoying pattern in our marriage?

Answer: We’re all tempted to nag now and then. I’ve been known to follow my wife around the house demanding that she remember the amount of a missing check or a recent cash withdrawal. I figure if I just repeat the question enough she’ll remember. (I’ve also been known to discover that I wrote the missing check.)

There are two big nagging myths to debunk. First, that nagging is an exclusively feminine fault. Both men and women engage in this annoying practice (though generally speaking, many women prefer nagging while many men prefer stonewalling as a negative communication tool – both are bad for a marriage).

The second myth? That nagging is the exclusive fault of the nagger. The truth is that while one spouse may be more prone to find fault with the other, both partners share responsibility. Nagging is a lot like that spiteful teeter-totter game grade school kids play at recess. When I was that age, if there was underlying hostility between you and your seesawing partner, one of you would push off the ground with all your might. When done correctly, it propelled the person at the other end of the plank as hard as possible straight into the pavement. And it almost always resulted in your partner returning the favor.

In marriage, the seesaw duel looks more like this: Mary asks Ted to do something he doesn’t want to do—at least not right now. So he responds by pretending not to hear Mary’s request, or by offering an unsatisfactory answer like “Yeah, I’ll get to it later . …”

Mary repeats her request, accentuating each syllable to increase dramatic effect. Ted, feeling put upon (and put down), doesn’t respond.

Infuriated, Mary resorts to rapid repetitions of her demand. Ted, observing Mary’s agitation and frustration, indulges in a moment of carefully concealed delight. Her ridiculous behavior makes him feel, momentarily, morally superior. For a passive-aggressive personality, this is a moment of supreme triumph.

Both the nagger and the “naggee” play an essential role in keeping this destructive game going. So if there’s a whole lotta naggin’ goin’ on at your house, consider what role you’re playing.

One common tension point in marriage is the feeling, “My spouse is draining the emotional life out of me.” This sense of being depleted by your mate is particularly strong when they are going through a period of depression. With little life or energy to spare, the depressed mate focuses all their remaining attention on themselves. The result is the other spouse must work 24/7 to prop up their husband or wife and gets little, if any, emotional support from the marriage.

How can you stop this feeling of being emptied by your spouse?

First, you must realize that while you can support your depressed spouse, you cannot save them from their depression. The roots of depression often go deep back into their childhood. Other times they are based on hormonal or chemical imbalances that are immune to our supportive talk or caring gestures. Occasionally, depression is caused by your mate’s spiritual bitterness toward people in the past or beyond your current circle of influence. Whatever the case, don’t take it on yourself to personally carry your spouse out of depression. It’s virtually impossible and will empty you in the process.

Second, remember that pleasing God and not your spouse is your first priority in life. Thankfully, God’s grace, support and presence are available to us each and every day. We don’t have to try and change His mood or get Him to cheer up to experience His intimacy or joy. Nor do we have to walk on egg-shells or act artificially happy to find new strength and refreshment at the well of His salvation each day. The Psalmist David rejoiced how God filled Him each and every day, “My cup runs over…” If your focus is on renewing your relationship with God each day, rather than trying to prop up your depressed spouse, you’ll find strength and grace to face each day.

Finally, keep in mind that Jesus, not you, is the ultimate answer to your spouse’s depression. Not all depression is spiritual in nature, but even that which is rooted in emotional loss or trauma can be touched by the healing hand of Christ. “He restores my soul…” David wrote in the 23^rd Psalm. Depression often has its roots in events your spouse experienced years ago. Lead your mate in a simple prayer and have them ask Jesus a simple question, “Where were you when this happened to me?” “Do you care about my pain? Would you speak peace and healing to my heart right now?” Often, a spouse will discover the reality of the wonderful promises of Scripture in such a moment, “I will never leave you nor forsake you…” Realizing Jesus has always been present and caring for them, even during their darkest pain, may lead to an emotional breakthrough.

We were meant to fill each other’s hearts in marriage, not drain one another. By not trying to rescue our partner but seeking to please God each day, and by encouraging our spouse to bring their pain to Jesus in prayer, we can see dramatic changes take place — both in us and our spouse.